Lifestyle Choices

by ellie klug

18 notes

I finally wrote a new poem, and I’m performing it tonight

Reasons Not To Write

I think only an earthquake
can move my pen
when the plates of my heart shift
in fits and starts
unruly parts
with a hard heart beat
hard like the concrete
under my feet, like the sidewalk
where I stopped with the thought
that this Zoloft might lift
the poetry from my system like a gift
never to be given again and then
I wouldn’t feel like just another symptom of his sickness,
insubstantial as a hair’s thickness,
like I’m arrogant for bearing witness.
And my god, mourning the living is tedious business,
and mending his wounds takes plenty of stitches.

Yesterday, my mentor called me brave.
But I couldn’t believe her
because I am still scared
of men that ride bikes, and men
who disrespect their mothers, and men
who swing dance, and any man
whose shadow could be a cousin to his.

But at least I don’t leave my shoes on anymore
when I crawl into your bed,
and you loosen the grip
pills keep around the words in my head.
And at least I’m not dead,
and I’ve stopped sleeping like a corpse
ever since I started laying my head
on the feeling of life in your chest.
Like an earthquake,
I’m not sure if this is love or death,
and this pressure on my heart
is neither stress nor cigarettes.
Love gets low and heavy,
But I haven’t left.

Yesterday, my mentor called me brave
and it made me scared,
because in my dreams
I’m still bleeding
from when he decided he wasn’t done
and when I wake up
I’ve still got rust on my tongue.
It wasn’t my fault
but the earthquake is mine,
like my hard heart beat
that can’t help but keep time.
Mourning the living is tedious business
but somehow I keep passing seconds
and I can finally knot my own stitches
with a thread that is stronger than death.
I don’t wear my shoes to bed anymore,
and I still haven’t left.

Filed under poetry creative writing spilled ink elliquent poems poem

8 notes

Tiny Spider Feet

I’m not sure I’ve felt anything for weeks except a tangle of sadness
I’m knot sad, I’m knot sad,
I know I’m sad
But today I started to ask if it was the chemicals
or if underneath the dopamine
something deeper, darker
waits

If it’s waiting, so am I
I haven’t felt anything for weeks
like knitting in front of the tv
except I’m listless,
just untangling

This sad knot seems bigger than my chest
heavy like pounds of spider webs
but even spiders know what’s going on
in their nets
I don’t know
but I can’t forget

Filed under spiders poetry poems poem creative writing personal elliequent

9 notes

Entitled

You’ve got “Show me
what it means to struggle”
scrawled across your palms, just
"Show me what it means to struggle" with your hands upturned
and maybe some tears pooling in your eyes
like wild dogs gathering themselves around a woman,
a woman in a red coat.

I want to carve those words
out of your skin,
baby, honestly,
you can’t have them.
They’re mine.
You don’t get to bleed from my wounds,
baby, you better learn
some distance.
You buy your coat at a thrift store,
but it won’t keep these women warm.

Next time you turn your face up,
expecting to see the sun,
you should know
that anyone struggling 
with this fetish of yours
(something other people call “wars”
or “oppression” or “silencing”),
they never expect
the light you take for granted.

Go home, baby boy,
burn your old hair
and buy beers
for all the girls
you accidentally pillaged.
You can’t show me what it means
to struggle.
I am the definition of meaning.
Go home, baby boy,
wash your hands.

Filed under poetry poems rubbishgems elliequent writing creative writing sexism feminism struggle oppression

12 notes

6-13-13: Personal Myth

Stones broke under the hand of the devil resisting arrest
and melted in the sour smell of her heroin breath
I had my homemade haircut and a thrift store dress
to protect me

My father cried like a wolf
from a crumbling mountain
but the wolf and the devil still circled each other
with heavy hearts bursting underneath

I broke their circle with the kitchen scissors
and the hair clogging our bathroom sink
A spell to cover the devil’s breath, her heroin stink
I put my pain in a little black rock like a bullet
and I shot through the hand of the devil
resisting arrest
When she died
I buried her
in a sunflower thrift store dress

I am sister to the devil
in a family that’s best at killing
and my father howls to the kitchen light
We carve tombstones from our own bones
but we spell the devil’s name right

Filed under slightly significant poetry poems spilled ink creative writing

25 notes

image

Please reblog this!!

I want to put together a zine on the topic of pain entitled “Ache Like I Do”, and I’m looking for any and all submissions. 

Pain, whether self-inflicted, physical, grief-related, oppression-induced, emotional, or psychological, is not an acceptable thing to discuss in our society. Discussing pain makes people uncomfortable and impatient. But what do you do when you live with pain? What kind of conversations do you wish you could have about your pain? What is your experience with pain like? What would you tell your pain if it was listening? What would your pain say if it could speak? What are the good, the bad, and the ugly things that have come from your pain?

I want this zine to be a place where you can be open, gritty, honest, and authentic with your pain without the fear of judgment or censorship. The zine itself, of course, will carry a trigger warning. But it will also help carry the burdens we are told we must carry on our own. 

Please submit any artwork, essays, poetry, rants, IM transcripts, playlists, photos or other forms of expression to klug.ellie@gmail.com with the subject line, “Ache Like I Do Zine.” 

Also, this zine is a safe space, meaning that any and all perspectives are considered valuable as long as they are not oppressive.

So, please feel free to submit material about pain related to your race, ethnicity, weight, sexuality, gender, disability, mental illness, experiences of grief and abuse, and any other topic related to your identity and life. 

If you have any questions, feel free to send me an ask, fan mail, or email. 

Please spread the word!!!

(Source: priestessthief, via priestessthief)

Filed under zine pain depression anxiety bpd self injury cancer chronic pain chronic illness divorce medication hate relationships heartbreak cystic fibrosis acne body image body dysmorphia anorexia bulimia eating disorders ed ednos binge eating sadness hopeless hopelessness suicide suicidal therapy

105 notes

queenfancycat:

Please reblog this!!
I want to put together a zine on the topic of pain entitled “Ache Like I Do”, and I’m looking for any and all submissions. 
Pain, whether self-inflicted, physical, grief-related, oppression-induced, emotional, or psychological, is not an acceptable thing to discuss in our society. Discussing pain makes people uncomfortable and impatient. But what do you do when you live with pain? What kind of conversations do you wish you could have about your pain?
I want this zine to be a place where you can be open, gritty, honest, and authentic with your pain without the fear of judgment or censorship. The zine itself, of course, will carry a trigger warning. But it will also help carry the burdens we are told we must carry on our own. 
Please submit any artwork, essays, poetry, rants, IM transcripts, playlists, photos or other forms of expression to klug.ellie@gmail.com with the subject line, “Ache Like I Do Zine.” 
If you have any questions, feel free to send me an ask, fan mail, or email. Please spread the word!!!

Since I didn’t mention this above, this zine is a safe space, meaning that any and all perspectives are considered valuable as long as they are not oppressive.
So, please feel free to submit material about pain related to your race, ethnicity, weight, sexuality, gender, disability, mental illness, experiences of grief and abuse, and any other topic related to your identity and life. 

queenfancycat:

Please reblog this!!

I want to put together a zine on the topic of pain entitled “Ache Like I Do”, and I’m looking for any and all submissions. 

Pain, whether self-inflicted, physical, grief-related, oppression-induced, emotional, or psychological, is not an acceptable thing to discuss in our society. Discussing pain makes people uncomfortable and impatient. But what do you do when you live with pain? What kind of conversations do you wish you could have about your pain?

I want this zine to be a place where you can be open, gritty, honest, and authentic with your pain without the fear of judgment or censorship. The zine itself, of course, will carry a trigger warning. But it will also help carry the burdens we are told we must carry on our own. 

Please submit any artwork, essays, poetry, rants, IM transcripts, playlists, photos or other forms of expression to klug.ellie@gmail.com with the subject line, “Ache Like I Do Zine.” 

If you have any questions, feel free to send me an ask, fan mail, or email. 
Please spread the word!!!

Since I didn’t mention this above, this zine is a safe space, meaning that any and all perspectives are considered valuable as long as they are not oppressive.

So, please feel free to submit material about pain related to your race, ethnicity, weight, sexuality, gender, disability, mental illness, experiences of grief and abuse, and any other topic related to your identity and life. 

(Source: priestessthief)

Filed under zine slightly significant

105 notes

queenfancycat:

Please reblog this!!
I want to put together a zine on the topic of pain entitled “Ache Like I Do”, and I’m looking for any and all submissions. 
Pain, whether self-inflicted, physical, grief-related, oppression-induced, emotional, or psychological, is not an acceptable thing to discuss in our society. Discussing pain makes people uncomfortable and impatient. But what do you do when you live with pain? What kind of conversations do you wish you could have about your pain?
I want this zine to be a place where you can be open, gritty, honest, and authentic with your pain without the fear of judgment or censorship. The zine itself, of course, will carry a trigger warning. But it will also help carry the burdens we are told we must carry on our own. 
Please submit any artwork, essays, poetry, rants, IM transcripts, playlists, photos or other forms of expression to klug.ellie@gmail.com with the subject line, “Ache Like I Do Zine.” 
If you have any questions, feel free to send me an ask, fan mail, or email. Please spread the word!!!

queenfancycat:

Please reblog this!!

I want to put together a zine on the topic of pain entitled “Ache Like I Do”, and I’m looking for any and all submissions. 

Pain, whether self-inflicted, physical, grief-related, oppression-induced, emotional, or psychological, is not an acceptable thing to discuss in our society. Discussing pain makes people uncomfortable and impatient. But what do you do when you live with pain? What kind of conversations do you wish you could have about your pain?

I want this zine to be a place where you can be open, gritty, honest, and authentic with your pain without the fear of judgment or censorship. The zine itself, of course, will carry a trigger warning. But it will also help carry the burdens we are told we must carry on our own. 

Please submit any artwork, essays, poetry, rants, IM transcripts, playlists, photos or other forms of expression to klug.ellie@gmail.com with the subject line, “Ache Like I Do Zine.” 

If you have any questions, feel free to send me an ask, fan mail, or email. 
Please spread the word!!!

(Source: priestessthief, via priestessthief)

Filed under slightly significant zine pain depression